Lara Croft: Sweet Revenge

(The sequel to The Underground Carnival)

Pt 1- Viva the Vineland 

Perhaps it wasn’t her finest moment, Lara mused to herself. For Lara, Viking gold in the middle of the American desert made perfect sense. Of course, you had to have a pretty deep sense of history and a penchant for adventure. And Lara had both of them.

Common knowledge would have you believe that Christopher Columbus discovered America, trying to find India (hence the Caribbean being referred to as the West Indies.) Common knowledge had part of the story right- Columbus was trying to find India, and he did end up in what we now know as America.

What people didn’t realise was that another people had ended up by accident in America.  They were the Vikings, who called the mysterious land “Vineland”. So it seemed quite obvious to Lara that there would be Danegeld somewhere in America and the map she had recently discovered pointed to a barren wasteland.

Following on from this logic, Lara decided that they would probably have moved on to somewhere distant. After all, why leave the treasure somewhere obvious?

And this was the reason that Lara was currently in the middle of the Nevada desert, slicing open a cacti to get to the water within. She drank impatiently, desperate to carry on.

She looked at the craggy red rock. She swung her pickaxe, her arms vibrating with pain. However, she couldn’t stop. There within the rock was a cavern, within which was a golden shimmering. Exhausted as Lara was, she had to look inside.  She crawled inside on her knees, desperate.

There inside was a large pile of gold coins. Lara grabbed one and bit into it. It was…chocolate.  In amongst the coins was a note. It said “Unlucky!”

If Lara wasn’t more exhausted, she would have shot the note to pieces. Instead, she fell unconscious…

Pt 2- The Product

“I am happy to announce that Lara Croft will be promoting our new Mega Energy Candy” Hercules Hermes grinned to the members of the Cool Candy Company board.

The board all looked at each other. They were happy, but confused. “I thought she hated promoting products.” One sharp-nailed woman noted.

“Let’s just say she had a sudden change of heart.” He smiled, if a little nervously. While he was giving them good news, Hermes looked odd. His jacket must have been padded, and he had a scarf around his neck. They could have sworn one strand looked a bit like a ponytail.

“Candy! Candy! Candy!” came a cry from his neck. Hermes then appeared to shove his hand down his neck, as if his Adam’s apple was inflating.

“I’m getting better at throwing my voice!” Hermes grinned. “Look, I’d like to carry on with this meeting some OTHER TIME!” he groaned, sticking his hand down his coat. For some reason, his throat made a strange muffling noise…

"The board nodded and walked out. Hermes smiled his fakest, most plastic smile, making sure they were out of ear shot. Suddenly, Super Candy Croft popped out of Hermes’ coat. “Damn, I couldn’t breathe in there!” she gulped.

Hermes pulled off his jacket and scarf, revealing a red and white checked costume with an “SCC” logo. Unsurprisingly, he kept looking down at his chest.

“Hey, back off, pervert!” Super Candy Croft growled. She hated sharing her body with a man. “When am I getting a separate body?”

Hermes groaned. Once again he had to explain the plan. “Look, Lara is going to surrender her body to you.”
She raised an eyebrow “How is she going to do that?”
Hermes smiled. “I’ll show you…”

The pair walked cautiously into a back room. There was a single computer. On the screen was Lara, her body unconscious. 
“We’re going to have a little fun in Lara’s head.” Hermes laughed…  

Pt 3- The Factory Tour

Lara woke up in a daze. She rubbed her eyes until she scraped the white of her eyes. No matter what though all she could see on the floor were swirls of colour. Slowly, she got to her feet, just in time to avoid a trapdoor beneath her feet.

Sure enough, the floor was a swirl of colour, albeit one covered in what looked like trapdoors. Lara knew she didn’t have time to spot where each one started and finished without giving herself a migraine.

From the roof, a bunch of equally colourful boxes fell through a hole in the ceiling above the trapdoor. Lara looked around the room, trying in vain to an exit. There had to be one. She didn’t just appear in this room…did she?

She rolled away as more candy boxes fell towards her, this time from the top right hand corner of the ceiling (it was difficult to tell as the room seemed to stretch to infinity with an abundance of white surrounding the psychedelic floor.)

Lara then heard a “click” underneath her feet. The floor collapsed. Lara scrambled to find something to grip. Just as Lara found the edge, the entire roof collapsed, smothering her in boxes.

A claw gripped Lara like she was in a soft toy machine at the arcade. She tried to move, but no matter how much she struggled, the claw gripped harder. Reluctantly, Lara allowed the claw to guide her.

It unceremoniously dumped her into a golf cart amongst a group of gormless tourists, who photographed her. Not because she was interesting to them, but because after years of tourist traps, the button pushing had become a reflex.

Lara looked on at the rows of chocolate churning machines, gumdrop shooting cannons and “the world’s largest jelly mould”. She tried in vain to wriggle out, but she was firmly strapped in. She tried to find her guns. With a Herculean effort, she pulled out…a camera and a video phone. She felt like a giant toddler, especially each time the grinning guide said “Don’t forget to keep your arms and legs in the cart at all times…”
               
An hour later, and Lara was practically comatose. She could feel herself start to go native, “impressed” by the constant ream of statistics “There’s 10 million gallons of cookie dough in that room”.
                
Lara breathed a sigh of relief when the tour cart stopped at the cafeteria. Her legs were numb and the plastic moulded seats were bum numbing, but at least she could move. The Cheshire Cat woman “kindly” reminded her that the tour would be on their way again in ten minutes.
                    
It was then Lara saw it. A door marked “Private- Staff Only”. Screw it, she thought. Time for a little fun…

Pt 4- Payback

Hermes was on the phone, trying to talk over Candy Croft’s constant snack grazing. “No, Lara will be there in three days as planned. No, she loves the product. Because I don’t take no for an answer. Yes, I am aware I’ve just said No three times!”
                 
 “You’re really boring” Candy Croft moaned. “Why can’t I kick Lara’s ass again?”
               
“I already explained why-Because you’re going to take over her body.”

“Why?”
           
“To get revenge”

“Why?”
            
 “Don’t you remember? She made us like this!”

“So…why can’t I kick her ass then?”

Hermes groaned. This was why he wanted to convert Lara in the first place, and yet her conversion was possibly the most irritating being ever created. By him, admittedly…
                  
“This will be better than a mere fight” Hermes explained. “You will own everything Lara owns…”
          
“Do I get the guns?”
         
“Yes.” Hermes then proceeded to answer a lot of questions, mostly revolving around the “cool stuff” Lara had and “It’d all be mine, then?” to which the reply was inevitably “Yes.”

Lara walked along the blank grey corridor. There were no identifying marks on the doors except numbers. Clever trick, Lara noted. It meant it would be harder for people like her to sneak around. Note, Lara smiled to herself, I said “harder” rather than “impossible”…
                
Gingerly, Lara opened door number 7. She looked around the room- it was pure white. On the other side, she could see a clear glass corridor with even more doors.
                
The only things that were in the way were some baskets and several grey cannons.  It was then Lara thought back to the tour…

Suddenly, a burst of primary coloured giant gumdrops blasted towards Lara. She rolled across as they slammed into the baskets. The gumdrops then splintered into smaller sized gumdrops…
                 
Then from the roof, more gumdrops appeared. They blasted towards Lara. She grabbed her video phone and batted them away for dear life. The cannons exploded, bursting out gumdrops in all directions.
                   
Lara was soon smothered (again). She struggled, cringing as she pulled the gumdrops off her body. Now I know how a carpet feels, she laughed bitterly.
She looked back, surveying the destruction she had created. It (almost!) made up for the world’s most boring factory tour.
                 
She grabbed a gumdrop and sucked on it. As the sugary delight hit her tongue, Lara thought “Not bad…”

Candy Croft looked at the computer, looking very bemused.
         
“I don’t get it. When do we spring the trap or whatever?”
  
Hermes laughed. She was obviously Lara’s opposite. “You don’t get it, do you?” Candy Croft nodded her sadly.
 
“The trap has already started to spring…”

                  
Pt 5: Help Yourself

Lara looked around. The room, as far as she could tell was empty. The walls were grey, the door on the other side was grey, the room equivalent of a blank tape. Lara edged along the walls. She didn’t trust the silence. With all her travels, she had no trust for neutral…
               
The jelly mould flew down. Lara desperately flung herself away from it. She ran along the edge, aware her head was in close proximity to the door. She was starting to get crushed between the mould and the door. 
                 
She pushed herself toward the door. However, something was wrong. The mould lifted up back into its invisible space above the ceiling. Lara stretched her arms out toward the door. Lara then realised. Her arms weren’t the problem…her legs were trapped in red jelly.
                    
“Hey at least your legs will be preserved!” Lara had no idea where the voice came from. “How funny! After all you travels, all that mystical stuff and you get defeated by jelly!”
                 
Lara scowled. She had no idea where the voice was coming from, or who it was. What she did know was that jelly was not going to defeat her. Even if it was the world’s largest jelly mould.
                    
With a great deal of strain, Lara bent down and ate the jelly around her legs. It was a wonderful strawberry flavour. Somehow, Lara thought, real fruit never quite tasted the same as this artificial creation. It was so good that after Lara had got out of her dessert prison, she nibbled a bit more. Just a little bit more, but enough for Lara to feel a bit more “wobbly”.
               
She walked out of the grey room, keeping an eye open for cameras. Someone had their eye on her and Lara was determined to get out of the factory. One way or another…
                 
“So…this is how she’ll want to give up her body?” Candy Croft still hadn’t figured out the plan, even after Hermes’ multiple explanations. It took a 10 minute show from Mr Socko for her mind to finally click.
                    
“Oh! You’re going to make her really fat. That’s funny, because usually she’s really athletic!” She giggled at this. “I mean, can you imagine? Tub Raider?” She laughed, pretending to walk around like a fat Lara. “Isn’t that funny, Mr Socko?”
                 
 “Yes, very funny.” said “Mr Socko” (Hermes despaired at the fact he had a sock on his hand for about half an hour.) “Do you know what else is funny? SITTING STILL AND PAYING ATTENTION!” Hermes flung the sock off his hand, glaring at Candy.
          
Angrily, Candy hurled their body into the wall, creating a big caramel lump. As they reformed, Hermes glared at Candy. Why couldn’t he have made an evil clone like every other evil genius?

 Candy was even taking the fun out of revenge…

Lara tried to swim through the cookie dough but it stuck to her body. She knew what was happening to her, and yet she knew she had no other choice. It was be fat or be dead.
                    
She felt her limbs expand first, her muscle slopping into fat. Her face bloated and within seconds she was barely able to breathe, let alone move.
 
“Help….me….” Lara groaned as her lungs filled with cookie dough…

“Lara…” Winston cried by her hospital bed. “Please wake up…”

                     
Pt 6: Wake Up Call

                  The factory had been evacuated.  The tour people clicked their cameras then ran, getting one last snap before the flab flood crushed them. As everyone bundled out of the emergency exits, they looked at the freakish thing before them- a gigantic sphere of pure fat with a ponytail.
                Lara squinted, trying to look over her huge bundle of spare tyres. All around were vast plains, deep, dark jungles, pyramids, ruins…Somehow, the factory was built in the middle of a tomb raider’s paradise.
                 If only I could move, Lara groaned…
 
             It was then she heard a voice. A voice she never thought she’d hear again…

Lara…Please wake up…

Lara eyes slowly opened. There, sitting by her side was Winston. She smiled. “Oh thank God!” she said, internal monologue leaping ahead of speech. “Winston, I had such a terrible dream…” It was almost childish but for Lara it was the only way to make sense of things. “And it was all there, but I couldn’t move! Can you imagine that?”
               
To her surprise, Winston wasn’t laughing. Indeed, there was an awkward silence all around. She certainly didn’t remember having a fridge in the bedroom…

“I think I’ll get up now, Winston…” she tried to get up, but as she moved, the bed creaked like an elephant was sitting on it. Eventually, the bed cracked under Lara’s weight.
                  
“I can’t understand it” Winston confessed, his wizened brow showing more lines than usual. “Not even the doctors could. Somehow you gained a lot of weight. Ever since we found you in the desert…”
                 
Lara listened on, but she looked around. “Is the mirror humming?” she stated enigmatically. Winston look confused.
                 
“I don’t think so, Miss Croft. Should it be?”

Sod seven years bad luck, Lara snarled. With a great deal of effort, she picked up her body. With a gut wrenching roar, she ripped off the mirror to reveal a camera.
                  
“Winston?” 

Before her very eyes, Winston turned into Super Candy Croft. “Winston’s not here, babe!” 
                           
Lara tried to think what to do. She poised into a fighting stance, but fell awkwardly as Super Candy Croft tripped her over.
                   
 “HA!HA!HA! You look funny!” she grinned. “Bet you wished you hadn’t thrown us in the caramel now!”
                          
Us? Oh great, groaned Lara. Hermes was still bitter about her not sponsoring those stupid energy bars. “Where’s Winston?”
                    
“Winston’s safe.” Hermes said, his head popping out of Candy Croft’s shoulder. “However, he won’t be unless you let Candy take your body for the time it takes to shoot a thirty second commercial and stage a press conference.”
               
This is the stupidest kidnap ever, grumbled Lara to herself.

“Fine…” Candy leapt out of Hermes’ body, much to his relief. Lara watched as the fat drained from her body back to its svelte normality. The only giveaway was the plastic grin.
                    
Lara looked on, trapped in the blank pit of Candy Croft’s mind.
             
“Hello Lara…” came a deep booming voice. Standing over her was Mr Socko…

Pt 7: No More Miss Nice Croft
                          
This isn’t happening, Lara groaned. She was looking at a giant black sock puppet, with button eyes the size of steering wheels.
             
“I am your new master!” Mr Socko commanded. Lara then made a big mistake- she laughed. Out loud. 
                
“Look, I’m not taking orders from a sock puppet. Leave me alone.”
           
“Very well. I could have made your stay a lot more comfortable. Instead, you will now see my power.”
            
Lara had now, almost certainly, had seen it all. A sock puppet was now (supposedly) in control of her destiny. “Look, Mr Socko, I’ve been through a lot of weird stuff lately and there is nothing you can throw at me I’m not prepared for.”
                  
“You will learn not to challenge me, Miss Croft…”

And with that, Lara was in Switzerland…

She had no idea why the men in red uniforms were chasing her, or how they could pilot jetpacks while on skis. What she did know was that there was a strange feeling about this Switzerland, considering it was covered in…green cheese?
                 
The red men all uniformly landed alongside her. She pulled out her pole, slamming them into the snow. But as soon as she did that, more rose up from the snow.
Before she had a chance to react, she was thrown into the sky.
              
She shot into the stratosphere, a satellite knocking her down to Earth. She tried to find a parachute but all she could find in her backpack were energy bars. She looked through the various flavours until she found one marked “Zeppelin”. With no other ideas, she ate it and crossed her fingers.
                 
Sure enough, her chest expanded to an enormous size. As she floated, crowds of people gawped to view “The Zeppelin Woman”. It was then Lara realised Mr Socko’s game. Fine she thought…
                         
Lara inflated her fists until she crumbled the Earth into dust. With a mighty force of mind power, she willed herself into her normal body. Only now she was the one towering over Mr Socko.
                    
“You’re going in the wash basket!” she yelled, trying to grab the malicious foot garment. Only something was stopping her arms from moving. They were…strings?
        
“You see Lara, you’re a puppet. Just like me” Lara touched her face. It was oak. She could just about bob her head up and down, but she couldn’t move beyond her tiny puppet theatre with its tiny food and tiny Ikea furniture.

“No, I’m not.” Lara cried, but there was no emotion on her blank puppet face. All her physical ability gone, replaced with stilted, jerky gestures. It then hit her…

She was taking orders from a sock puppet….

                    

“LEAVE ME ALONE! I AM NOT A PUPPET! I’M NOT HERE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. STOP TORTURING ME! I AM NOT FAT. I AM NOT INFLATED. I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND MY LIFE STUCK IN EVIL AMUSEMENT PARKS AND FACTORIES AND WHAT HAVE YOU. I WILL NOT ENDORSE YOUR PRODUCT HERMES AND I NEVER WILL…”
                  
The Cool Candy Company executives, assorted reporters and public look shocked at Lara’s outburst. She looked down at herself. No fat, no balloon clothing, something far worse…

She was wearing a red “Cool Candy Company” shirt and she had a half eaten Energize bar in her hand. She looked across at Hermes. He was nervous, clutching at his collar. Now was the time, Lara grinned. Hermes smiled as well. Yes, Lara gestured to him, I’ll play along.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for my outburst. This has all been a simple misunderstanding…” She paused, everyone waiting nervously for her next statement. Hermes knew it would make or break him…
                   
“These energy bars create powerful hallucinations that render your mind useless. I firmly suggest this product be taken off the market immediately!”

Hermes screamed like a wounded animal. And like any wounded animal in a corner, he lashed out, pulling out a Desert Eagle. Lara had to think fast. Usually it was only her in danger…

Without a second’s thought, Lara dived at Hermes’ legs, hurling his body to the ground. Then Lara had an idea. She grabbed the rest of the Energize bar and shoved it in Hermes’ mouth.

Hermes looked into the black void. He tried to move, but he was stuck. Why couldn’t he move, and what was this enormous green cloth on top of him?
He looked up. There, grinning at him, was an enormously flabby Lara. He struggled as he was choked by the gigantic mounds of flesh…

“BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, HERMES!”

Back at Croft Manor, Lara revelled in her physical abilities again. She then stopped and saw Winston in the distance. 

“Dinner is served, ma’am. Oh, and the British museum called…”
           
Lara picked up the phone, ready to get back to what she did best. “Dinner can wait, Winston!”

THE END

Lara Croft and Tomb Raider are trademarks 
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